The Bachelor, A Husband's Commentary: Episode 6

By Derek Reimherr

Let's get it started by making it clear: this episode sucked. It was a nice departure from the usual Corrine show. But otherwise, the whining and moping was so irritating. Now that we've gotten that out of the way, let's dive in.


Hi, Taylor!
Bye, Taylor!

Drama, drama, drama. Corrine is deluded. Nick likes the, ah, assets. So time will tell, right?

Cocktail party, CANCELED. That’s what happens when you make things too difficult (or easy?) for the Bachelor. There’s heaviness in the heart. Beating so fast no one can take it. Literally.

Rose Ceremony:

Who’s safe?

  • Corrine
  • Danielle M
  • Rachel

Who made the cut?

  • Christina
  • Raven
  • Vanessa
  • Danielle L (the Danielle vs. Danielle finals are still in play!!)
  • Jasmine
  • WHITNEY?! WHAT?! MYSTERY WOMAN SURVIVES?!

Say goodbye to:

  • Josephine
  • Jamie (not surprised)
  • Alexis :(

We did not deserve you, dolphin queen.

1-on-1

Christina is really sweet. She has a lot going on that this show probably can’t do justice to. She’s got this athleisure look that ballgown dresses don’t really show off.

Meanwhile Corrine’s at the Marriott like…

“Everyone needs a Lorna. She’s like just as good as Racquel... Hey, um, my dress is wrinkled. Can you help me?”

Back to the date.

Christina was born in Russia and had a tough childhood. It was pretty heartbreaking hearing her story. I’m glad she got the rose.

Group Date

Sorry, Jasmine. Still no 1-on-1. But Nothing else has changed, he’s still obsessed with Corrine.

Raven gives us this gem:

All these girls are NOT feeling the volleyball game and I can’t blame them. There’s no opportunity to be on an even remotely normal date. The whining and crying was pretty stupid, though.

“I don’t wannnna play anymore. This is stupid. I’m done.” Oooookay, let’s just go cry separately on the beach. Super mature move, gals.

Rachel is comin’ at Nick HARD. She is not feeling the group date. And it’s borderline disrespectful and selfish. Actually, it’s just disrespectful and selfish. You knew what you were getting yourself into, ladies. TTSU.

The highlight of this date is definitely the ladies’ reactions to Jasmine’s endless ranting. And Nick reacted the exact same way.

“Didn’t have the best, um, conversation with Jasmine.” YA THINK.

I’m glad that she’s going home. She went borderline cray with that whole “chokie” thing. Yikes.

Good for Raven getting the date rose, tho. She seemed like the only one not crying on the beach.

2-on-1

“Do you hold hands on both sides on a 2-on-1?” - Maggie

Next scene: Holding hands on both sides walking down the beach.

Is it just me or did Nick look bored by Whitney? Idk. He said the right things (“Did you realize you’re actually really beautiful?”), but his body language was...meh. Danielle L and he had a much better connection.

Goodbye, mystery woman Whitney. Real quick, how hilarious was the random bag guy? The tense moment in the ladies' suite...and then this dude in boots and shorts shows up to wheel out the suitcase.

I guess Whitney is being stranded on that beach with a luxurious canopy bed to live out her days. Like what a ridiculous picture of her crying while a helicopter takes off in the background.

Cut to dinner with Danielle and WOW, okay, could he have felt LESS of a connection with her at that dinner table? His mind looked like it was out on a pasture in Wisconsin or something. Bye, bye, Danielle L.

How the heck did we get down to 6 women already?! Nick’s dramatic announcement to them about his fears seemed… unnecessary? Like I said about Rachel earlier, TTSU.


I don’t know about you, but I think the preview for next week was highly unsettling. When you have 6 girlfriends who all know about each other, it’s probably best to hold off on the… err… physical aspect of the relationship. Maggie informed me about the drama that ensued when Nick was on Kaitlyn’s season. Hopefully he’s learned his lesson.

What do y’all think? Will Nick take the bait with Corrine? Find out on next week’s episode of the most dramatic season of The Bachelor yet.


Read more Bachelor recaps:

The Bachelor, A Husband's Commentary: Episode 5

By Derek Reimherr

It's Tuesday again, so y'all know what that means. I put myself through another episode of The Bachelor. I'm beginning to regret agreeing to write about this. But since I'm doing it anyway, get caught up on last week's episode here. Now let's dive in.


WWE SUPERSLAM: NANNY’S GIRL VS. PSYCHIC PSYCHO

Tale of the tape:

  • Corrine, 23-year-old “business owner” who likes to get naked and LOVES her nanny, Raquel. Possibly an alcoholic. Best lines:
    • “Come at me, I’ll getcha”
    • “She’s a big, mean, nasty, swamp monster.”
  • Taylor, 23-year-old mental health counselor who “literally can’t” and thinks she better than other people. But dang, her posture is good. Best lines:
    • “Do you know what emotional intelligence is?”
    • That’s it. She’s not as entertainingly dramatic.

This is my first Bachelor catfight. Also, they’re drunk, at least tipsy. This feud is giving me a headache, though.

Who made the cut:

  • Whitney - WHO ARE YOU MYSTERY WOMAN. Literally they don’t show her ever.
  • Danielle M - my girl.
  • Jasmine
  • Rachel - Maggie totally called this one with all the dramatic interviewing.
  • Jamie
  • Danielle L
  • Josephine
  • Vanessa
  • Corrine
  • Alexis
  • Taylor

Who already had a rose:

  • Raven
  • Kristina

Who went home:

  • Sarah - noooooooooo
  • Astrid

Down to NOLA

My new goal is “Spot the Whitney.” This woman is a freaking chameleon. I will discover her secrets.

What we’re looking at:

  • 1-on-1
  • Group date
  • 2-on-1

Okay, 2-on-1 date sounds hilarious and awkward. But apparently that’s just par for the course with this show.


1-on-1 Date: Rachel

PHOTO: MARK COFFEY

PHOTO: MARK COFFEY

Rachel and Nick gallivant around New Orleans shopping and goofing off and eating oysters. TBH they seem like a pretty normal couple here. Don’t be fooled. There are 10 other girls contending for his affection.

They eat beignets, which is decidedly unsexy. Have y’all ever eaten one of these? Powdered sugar gets all over your pants and then you walk around with white powder stains for the rest of the day. And they make your hands sticky.

They dance and lead a parade and THIS WAS TOTALLY SPONTANEOUS, right guys?! The other girls watch them from the window of their tall tower (hotel). Everybody’s jealous.

They go to a bar and dance to some live music. Me: “Is this musician famous?” Maggie: “I’m sure her agent got her on the show and now we have to listen to her for 30 seconds.”

As per usual, their date leads to dinner at some undisclosed private location. Rachel and Nick share some heartfelt moments. Rachel talks about the last time she was in New Orleans - for a funeral - and how being back in the city for a new beginning feels like coming full circle. Nick shares his concerns that when he asks his future wife’s dad for her hand in marriage, he’s worried that his words won’t carry much weight because he’s asked 2 dads before (Andi’s and Kaitlyn’s).

These two are definitely clicking. I ship it. Unsurprisingly, Rachel gets the rose.

Meanwhile at the hotel… the other girls get a date card. Corinne and Taylor are going on the 2-on-1. DRAMA.


Group Date

“I didn’t sign up to be a ghostbuster. I’m gonna rebuke that thing in the name of Jesus.” Raven is a southerner. Everyone should be like Raven.

The group goes to a haunted mansion. Once again, drinking is a focal point of the show. Bring on the mint juleps!...aaaand now I want one.

I swear, Whitney is on this date and they aren’t showing her. OH I lied. They just showed her. But I still haven’t heard her speak. Maybe she’s the ghost…

This is by far my favorite date so far. I’m enjoying watching the ladies flip the eff out.

Y’ALL THEY SHOWED A VIDEO INTERVIEW WITH WHITNEY. SHE’S NOT A GHOST.

Aaaaaand now we’re back to weirdness with the stupid Oujia board. Okay but forreal, I have to be honest with y’all....I effing hate dolls. They freak the hell out of me.

Meanwhile, Jasmine's over here like:

MAJOR KEY: WHITNEY AND NICK ARE TALKING. Guys, sorry, but this is big. This. is. Big.

So I had this thought: wouldn’t you get tired of kissing constantly? I don’t know. Kissing is pretty fun, but maybe not like 8 different people a day?

HOLD. UP. Raven...is in love...with Nick? After 3 weeks? His reaction (along with mine):

Great job, Danielle M. I’m starting to think you’re too good for this show. But I’m happy to see her win the group date rose.


2-on-1: Corrine vs. Rachel

BORN ON THE BAYOU, y’all. There should be Creedence Clearwater Revival playing in the background. And the fact that it’s not makes me really upset.

“I’m a voodoo priestess.” Things you run far, far away from when you hear on a first date. Swipe left.

The tarot cards were pretty on the nose. A ouija board AND voodoo in the same episode? This just is too much for me. The worst part? NIck is going to send Taylor home. When Corrine is the literal worst.

“The relationship will be built off of whip cream and lies.” Dang straight, Taylor.

But I called it. He’s such a douchebag to pick Corrine, but it’s good to know she won’t make it very far.


And of course, Alexis brings it home for us: “If I saw a ghost that looked like Nicholas Cage, I would sprint outta here...I kissed Nicholas Cage anyway.”

Do I get a medal for surviving another episode of this madness? See y'all next week for more Corrine/Taylor drama and apparently Nick's first tears of the season. 

The Bachelor, A Husband's Commentary: Episode 4

LET’S GET IT STARTED, Y’ALL. But first, get caught up on last week. 

“Corinne is super aggressive and has no remorse.”

“Corinne leads with her sexuality.”

That's what we're starting out with. Can we not? Let’s just jump into this "tense," "drama-filled" rose ceremony. Roses go to:

  • Raven
  • Taylor
  • Danielle L
  • Whitney (WHO IS SHE? I’ve never seen this woman in my life.)
  • Christina
  • Jasmine
  • Alexis (keeping the show weird since 2017)
  • Astrid
  • Danielle M Jamie
  • Josephine
  • Sarah
  • Corinne

Go away, Chris Harrison.

  • Final rose: I forgot. Not Kristen.
  • Rose from dates: Vanessa and Rachel

This week, we’re off to Milwaukee. It took me 4 attempts to spell that correctly. The only thing I know about Millwalkee is that there’s a lot of beer there.

Nick’s mom's haircut reminds me of something...oh yeah, now I remember:


1-on-1 date: Danielle L

I’m sorry, Danielle. You got the lamest date possible. Just wandering around downtown and eating pastries. The ex-girlfriend is the most staged thing ever. ABC, y’all got to do better. This was an opportunity for Nick to put someone in a really uncomfortable situation.

But what’s more romantic than going to a pastry shop? Kissing on a hill above a rec soccer field. NAILED IT.

Can we all just rally around Danielle L and say that it’s not a flaw if your parents are divorced? It’s not your fault. Congrats on the rose, btw. Does anyone NOT get a rose on a 1-on-1? I’m just wondering.

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE. And it’s sh!tty country music. I’d like to say I was kidding, but I 100% muted the TV during this part. Sorry if I missed something important. I motion to start a petition: no more dancing on stages. It’s awkward for everyone involved. And it’s boring.

Just remember, I’m shipping Danielle vs. Danielle showdown. You heard it here first (last week). 


Group Date: Down on the farm

“Oh my god, it smells so bad.”
“Cows and nature. Okay….”

Well, what did you expect? This?

“I’d rather be in a spa being fed a taco. Preferably chicken.” Okay, to be fair, wouldn’t everyone at all times rather be in that situation? Also, please point me in the direction of spas with tacos. I would 100000% go get a facial with Maggie if I was being fed tacos.

This date sucks, too. What’s worse are all the Bachelor peeps saying y’all without any claim to it. Just. Don’t. Unless you’re Raven.

Farm chores: “Wtf is a farm chore?”

  1. Bailing hay

  2. Feeding cows

  3. Milking a cow

  4. Shoveling slop

  5. Making fun of Corinne

Lots of poop jokes on this date. Move along.


1-on-1: Raven

Soccer, skating, meet the family. It’s nothing extraordinarily exciting, but the longer I watched, the more I realized: this is real life. People don’t go on helicopter rides to yachts. They go to the skating rink. Bad TV, good for an actual date.

“I picked her stiletto up off the ground and beat him over the head with it.” - Raven, embodying every Gretchen Wilson song ever. Don’t mess with this woman. Don’t cheat on her. Except, wait, that’s sorta how The Bachelor works...nevermind.

Another 1-on-1, another rose. Someone please help me out because I’m just assuming this always happens at this point.


It wouldn't be this season of The Bachelor without ANOTHER episode of The Corrine Confrontation.

Okay, we get it - Corinne is immature. I swear she's always drunk. She naps a lot, although I would definitely take any and all pointers from her on napping. She's really dismissive. Taylor decided that she needed to call her out on this. I don't see why, but apparently this whole villain plot line happens every season. I guess we'll get to see how this wraps up next week.

Meanwhile, Alexis after the credits...

 

See y'all next week. More Bachelor posts:

The Bachelor, A Husband's Commentary: Episode 3

Last week on THE BACHELOR (caps for dramatic effect): Corinne stole the show and Liz’ secret got revealed. Get caught up!

Just so you know the frame of mind that I’m in while writing this, we just went to the movie theater and saw Rogue One. I’m gonna go ahead and guess that I will have gotten more enjoyment out of those 2 hours than any 2 hours of The Bachelor combined.

Sorry, y’all. Actually, not sorry. I freakin’ love Star Wars.

Let’s get into it.

Rose Ceremony:

Wow, so right off the bat, we’re going to dive into the big news. Can I just point out that Nick should probably not smile when delivering news about having had sex with one of the contestants? Feels super weird. What wasn’t weird was his floral tie. Style points +100.

Who made it through:

  • Astrid
  • Taylor
  • Christina
  • Danielle L
  • Rachel
  • Vanessa
  • Raven
  • Jamie
  • Dominique
  • Sarah
  • Alexis (nice, “Move, bitches” btw. She consistently has me lol’ing)
  • Brittany
  • Josephine
  • Here we go, cue the overly deliberate Chris Harrison “final rose” line….Jasmine

And of course, the women who already got a rose:

  • Corinne
  • Danielle M

Group Date

BACKSTREET’S BACK, Y’ALL. But let’s remind ourselves that they’re kinda old at this point. This clearly doesn’t matter to the contestants because the Hype Train was going full steam.

 

Let me just say that if I was the Bachelor, dancing skills would be important. I love my wife, but Maggie’s are...existent and not dissimilar to Corinne’s (not great).

Good for Danielle getting that dance. But was it as awkward for you as it was for me? Because it was super awkward for me. It must have worked for Nick, though, as he served up that rose up real quick. Should we ship a Danielle vs. Danielle finale?

Vanessa 1-on-1

What a freaking cool date. Zero G astronaut experience - well done. But poor Vanessa, she had the same reaction Maggie would have: nausea.

“You know, it would be kinda nice if you rubbed my leg while I was puking. You know, hold me in comfort.” - my wife, as if on cue. My reaction:

Hold up. Kissing after puking???? I can’t believe it either, Vanessa. That makes ME want to vomit. No. Thank. You.

Anyway, how sick was that view of LA? Good way to set the stage for a romantic night. As an aside, I have a quick question: do other people kiss while talking as often as Nick does with these women? Not a great way to have good conversation flow if you ask me.

Great job on getting that rose, V. I don't know why, but Vanessa doesn’t jive with me. There’s nothing particularly wrong or bad with her, she just isn’t as great as Danielle M. Sorry ‘bout it.

Group Date 2:

Olympians? Badass. Nick-athalon? Not so much. Great excuse for the ladies to break out their Lululemon, Fabletics, whatever. I’ve only been a husband for 10 months, so I'm still learning about “athleisure."

So the reward for advancing in the competition is hot tub time with Nick. Is it just me, or do these Bachelor dates include a lot of time in bikinis and water?

Astrid, having won the last event, just jumps right into the hot tub with Nick…still in her workout clothes. I know they're are water resistant, but no way Lululemon is made for hot tubbing. Y’all tell me - does it seem comfortable to hang out in the water in super tight leggings? My hunch is a big fat no.

As per usual, after the main event of the group date, they’re off to a cocktail party (also seems to be hella drinking on this show). Drama ensues. Dominique cries. Alexis and Nick make out (Left Shark ftw). Rachel and Nick make out which in turn leads to a group date rose. Dominique lurks.

Her lurking leads to confrontation. Dominique’s expectations are way too high for this group date. I don’t know why anyone expects quality time with Nick when there are like 8 other women there. Nick agrees and gives her the boot. Can't blame you bro. 

 

Pool Party:

Scene opens. Beautiful view, well decorated poolside area. Cut to...wait, these girls are doing squats by the pool. Why? 

Alexis speaking all of our minds: “There’s a lot of horny girls in this house.”

Here’s Corinne again. Where the heck did this bouncy castle come from? Maybe Corinne had something to do with it as she immediately tries to storm Nick's castle. 


We need to have a quick chat, though. Can we hear from someone besides Corinne? Between the trench coat and heels, not showing up to the rose ceremony...it’s getting old hearing her whining all the time, ABC. We get it - she’s a big baby. I don’t need 20-30 minutes of Corinne-centric screen time every week.

Like Jasmine said: “I’m sick of talking about Corinne, Corinne, Corinne.” Yes, thank you. Also Jasmine, “Are you a child?” My thoughts exactly. 


Sometimes a guy just needs a sassy Southern woman to tell him what's what. Raven comes to the rescue which starts a domino effect of everyone voicing their concerns about Corinne directly to Nick. FINALLY. 

Vanessa confronts Nick really openly about his intentions: “I’m not judging Corinne. I’m judging your actions. Are you looking for a wife or just someone to mess around with?”

S*** just got real.

Naturally, we have to wait until next week to find out what happens. I’m only 3 weeks in, and I already know that this is “typical Bachelor.” Until next time…

Other Bachelor Posts:

 

 

The Bachelor, A Husband's Commentary: Episode 2

This is coming to you a little late. Why? I watched the College Football National Championship Game on Monday. I don’t care how many page views this blog gets, college football will always come first. Also, Go Tigers!

Before we start, I need to get something off my chest before we dive in.

I feel betrayed.
Cheated.
Hurt.

The night this blog idea was conceived, I asked Maggie, “How long is this first episode going to be?”

“2 hours long.”
“Are they always this long?"
“Nope!”

YOU STINKIN’ LIAR. They’re ALWAYS 2 hours long. She said it wasn’t technically a lie because some episodes are longer.

Anyway, I guess I’ll recap the episode now that I realized I’ve been trapped. Sorry, Admiral Ackbar. I didn’t listen.


First Group Date:

Wedding photos? Sure why not. I have so many things to say about this, but it’s better to just show you my reactions in GIF form.

“Wow, I can’t believe we’re going to take wedding photos on the first date. That’s a big deal.” - Jasmine

“You always wonder what you’ll look like on your wedding day on your first date.” - Corinne

Let’s talk about the outfits real quick. Most of them were just silly. Gotta love the preggo shotgun bride. 10/10 laughing on my couch. But I want to meet the ABC person who was like, “Hey, let’s put one in a bikini and let’s make the other topless.” Must be a classy (I assume) guy. Sex sells, I guess.

The “bridesmaids” were prepared to jump off a bridge. Especially when the brides just started making out with Nick in from of them. Can’t blame em.


And now Corinne. Wow, what a &%^! show. I was stoked for karma to hit her in the face when Brittany came out in the Eve costume. “If she steals my thunder, I’m literally going to punch him in the face.”

But then she took her top off on TV. Probably while wine drunk. Okay, definitely while wine drunk. And apparently she gets nasally when she’s drunk? “Nick held my boobs today. Like he HELD MY BOOBS. No one will ever hold them like that again.”

“So weird.” Yeah, no joke.

This chunk of the show is why I don’t like The Bachelor. It’s obnoxious, Corinne is obnoxious. The women didn’t stand up for themselves as she proceeded to make a fool of herself and then them all when she got that freaking rose.

This gif is literally the only good thing to come from her antics.


First Solo Date

“I’m happy for her. I really am.” - Liz  

Shout out to my girl, Danielle M. You da real MVP. Isn’t she just the sweetest? Their date was pretty cool, but to be fair, I would go on a date with Nick to freakin’ land on a yacht in Newport Beach in a helicopter.

About half way through the date (at least on our end), we get the saddest, most touching story this season may see. Holy smokes. I’m not crying, you’re crying. Whether or not this “works out” for Danielle, I’m glad she was able to have what seemed like a good conversation about it.

And she got a rose out of it. Like I said, the real MVP.


2nd Group Date/Liz tells all

Liz can’t handle a secret. She’s jealous because she had a booty call and no one knows?

The Museum of Broken Relationships was pretty weird, though the breakups afterward were pretty funny. Unnnntil we got to Liz. But first, my highlight:

*SLAP*
“How many more bottles will I have to pick up before you realize you’re losing me?!”
“NO MORE.”

^^^ Got me good.

Kristen’s face throughout Liz’s “breakup” had me weak. “Playa say what?” The bug eyes, the looks around...are you sure you’re good at keeping secrets?

And of course, Nick is on the other side like “I’m living my nightmare.” Hammer, meet nail. Maybe don’t have one night stands, bro.


Unfortunately (can’t believe I just used that word), we have to wait until next week to see how the women react to Nick’s sleeping around. At least he sent Liz home. She was pretty annoying.

Oh boy. Can't wait 'til next week...


Other Bachelor Posts:

The Bachelor, A Husband's Commentary: Episode 1

By Derek Reimherr

Let's set the stage.

I'm minding my own business playing video games on my computer when Maggie walks over to me with the most mischievous grin.

“You're going to hate this idea, but hear me out.”

Okay...

“What if you watched The Bachelor this season and wrote about it? Whatever you want. I won't edit it.”

*Audibly groans*

For those of you who don't know me, I HATE this show. Maggie knows this. And she just gave me a clean slate. Y'all, it took some real consideration but I gave in. I remember my Mom watching this show like 10 years ago, but I really don't know anything about how the show works.

So think of this post as a test drive. You reading this will tell me if this is a good idea or not.

And without further ado, may I present: A Husband’s Bachelor Commentary.

Initial impressions:

  • Okay, so this guy has been on the show how many times? At some point, you’ve gotta be honest with yourself.
  • “I’ve learned I’m not perfect.” Good one.
  • Yes, Nick, sticking your whole hand in your mouth and talking is not attractive. I’m glad your teenage little sister was able to open your eyes to this.
  • Nothing like a couple of guys drinking neat scotch/bourbon around a table talking about their feelings. Happens everyday.
  • Okay, so apparently people hated this guy on “The Bachelorette?” PERFECT pick for another season of The Bachelor.
  • Didn’t Andi pick Josh Murray (I only know this because his brother was the quarterback at my alma mater)? And didn’t they divorce? It kinda feels like he dodged a bullet there, tbh.
  • “The Nick I saw in Andi’s season isn’t the Nick I know now. I like you and I think you’re a great dude.” Totally how I talk to my guy friends.
  • Oh, it got worse. A toast: “To Nick starting his own love story.”
  • I will say, though...I would live in the Bachelor house RIGHT NOW. Sick.

Bumper Videos:

  • Rachel: Her vacuum-dancing game is aight.
  • Danielle L : Nail salon entrepreneur? I guess I can respect that.
  • Vanessa: Speaking French right off the start SCREAMS extra to me. Girl, chill.
  • Josephine: Oh lord, a cat woman. Meow. Meow. Meo-out of here right now.
  • Raven: Let’s see how much I get to say “That’s SO Raven” this season.
  • Corinne: Her world is G-L-A-M….I can’t do it. She has a nanny. I’m done.
  • Alexis: She is doing the most. Sumo suit? Dolphins? Just….stop. Please.
  • Danielle M: She’s adorable. Soft spoken and sweet. Plus, she loves babies. Who doesn’t love babies?
  • Taylor: Who in their right mind wants a mental health counselor on The Bachelor??? Why? Like you’re gonna try to help someone with their daddy issues after hookin’ up on National TV??
  • Liz: Uh oh. She’s tryin’ to be that hollaback girl. Yikes.

Nick meets the ladies:

  • No kidding people are skeptical about Nick. He’s getting way too many free Twitter followers out of all these seasons.
  • Contestants arrive in the limo. *Commence screaming* My ears.
  • Danielle L : Bro, your eye contact game is AWFUL. How many times you gonna check out her cleavage in 30 seconds?
  • Elizabeth: Is she wearing a freaking wedding dress?
  • Rachel: Oh, she used a Fantasy Football pickup line. He didn’t seem that impressed. I’m not either.
  • Taylor: She called him a piece of **** and then paused for WAY too long. Good.
  • Lauren: Bonding over awful last names and calling each other sluts. Smoooooth.
  • Ida Marie: Yep, they did a trust fall. Team building, 2017, y’all!
  • Sarah: I respect the sneaker game. Not a bad pickup line. Great smile, too.
  • Jasmine G: Who is Neil? Neil Lane? What...why is she....did she hire him?
  • Hailey: Did she just use a “no-underwear” pickup line? Have some self-respect, ma’am.
  • Astrid: Asked him in German if she’s looked at her boobs. The deeper we go, the more scared I become.
  • Liz: Oh, here’s Liz. He’s like, “Have I seen this woman naked before? Uh….” and she keeps waiting for him to remember her. Wait, maybe he does. OH!!!
  • I can’t stand Chris Harrison. Let that be known from the beginning.
  • The white wine is FLOWING, y'all.
  • Corinne: What in the hell is a hug token? No, that’s not cute.
  • Vanessa: Astrid already used German on him, sorry. I hope this show doesn’t need subtitles.
  • Danielle M: Homemade maple syrup? She makes bomb french toast? Def my favorite. Don’t let me down.
  • Raven: She called the Hogs...now they’re calling the Hogs. SEC, SEC?
  • Missed-her-name: “I have balls.” Yeah, I wouldn't ever recommend saying that to a dude.
  • Susannah: Nick, you’re not the only one who’s never had a beard massage before.
  • Josephine: Yep. They’re eating a raw weiner Lady and the Tramp style on national TV.
  • “OMG Sistas in RED!!!!” Sistahood of the Traveling Red Dress?
  • Brittany: What...bend over? That is something guys have to endure once a year at the doctor. Don’t make him do it twice this year.
  • I missed a few. More red dresses, probably.
  • Lacey: “I hear you like a good hump. And so do I!” NO. BOOOOOO.
  • “Why didn’t I come out in a camel?” Things no one should say ever.
  • Alexis: Is she in a Left Shark costume? Swell. Oh, dolphin puns. Charming. And she’s in heels, too?

Small talk Pt. 1:

  • I wish people cheered for me when I entered a room.
  • Dying laughing every time the camera pans to Left Shark Girl.
  • Rachel is smooooooth. Everyone needs to get like Rachel.
  • “Tell me something you wouldn’t tell most people after you literally met me 3 mins ago.”

Small Talk Pt. 2:

  • First Impression Rose: Apparently this is intimidating af to these women. It’s a flower, y’all.
  • Corinne has more tokens. Did her nanny make these for her, too?
  • Here comes Corinne to steal Nick away from Vanessa before she has a chance to “speak French” with him. 10/10 for kissing first - Maggie did.
  • But apparently the ladies don’t agree: “Ohhhh what a hoe.” LOL
  • The banter might end up being the one redeeming (?) part of this show.

Small talk Pt. 3:

  • Apparently, a lot of women haven’t had a chance to talk with Nick yet. Step ya game up.
  • “I’ve never had to deal with fighting for a guy’s attention.” Sureeeeeeee.
  • First meltdown already? Come on.
  • *Sips wine*
  • WHO ARE YOU: LEFT SHARK OR A DOLPHIN? I NEED TO KNOW.
  • Liz and Nick are talking. It’s weird. They’re reminiscing on their one night stand and he called her OUT. Guess that didn't go as planned.

First Impression Rose:

  • If Corinne gets the First Impression Rose, are these women going to start manspreading when they talk to Nick to get his attention?
  • Danielle M is talking to Nick and I'll be honest, I like her. Genuine as all get out.
  • HE PICKED UP THE ROSE. Commence freak outs.
  • Is he giving it to Rachel? I knew her small talk was 100.
  • LOL at Corinne’s reaction.

Rose Ceremony:

  • Knees weak, arms are sweaty. Vomit on my red dress already.
  • Corinne got her rose. Be bold, y’all.
  • Surprised that cat girl didn’t start purring when she got her rose.
  • Wait, drunk Left Shark got a rose? Whatever.
  • “Ladies, the final rose tonight.” Much gravitas. Such drama. Very wow.
  • Liz got her rose. So maybe she will get to be a hollaback girl after all.
  • Cue the dashing of all these contestants' unrealistic expectations.

Post-thoughts

I did it. I think a little bit less of myself now. But this is for you, dear readers, not me.

So what'd you think? Do you want more? Let me know by commenting and liking/sharing this post on Facebook.